Life's Map

Life's Map

By: Maria Reylan M. Garcia

I was lost. The department store couldn't have been wider and unfamiliar; the aisle numbers shifted into a blur of archaic codes and the red lipped sales ladies transformed into bloodsucking aliens. It was my fault. I fell under hypnosis of a glimmering play set of plastic kitchen wares. My six year old feet didn't hesitate for another second and skipped my way to the toys section. A few minutes later, when I realized I had the same set of pink plastic tea cups and matchbox sized gas stoves back at home, I attempted to retrace my steps but failed to do so and found myself drowned in a the multitude of the crowd. A week ago, I felt the same feeling. I was lost. The midterm exam schedules couldn't have been more hectic and potentially traumatic; the course titles shifted into a blur of criminal sentence and the thick pile of lecture notes transformed into fatal and lethal weapons. Was it my fault? It was too much information to memorize and comprehend that my brain could self destruct any moment. A few minutes later, when I realize everything was actually for real, I panicked and loss my sense of direction. I was lost.

If only the realities of everyday stress could be graphed by cartographers as easily as north, south, east and west, I would have procured myself a map and even spend some extra more on a compass. The state of not knowing where to go provokes feelings of uncertainty and doubt, then agitation and anxiety. There's that evolution of shock, tremble and panic. Man has developed the process of planning that had long been benefiting him to take control over his undertakings, making him the master and captain of his very life. That is why when the wheel is taken away from him, he gets weak in the knees and sea sick. I noticed that most people enjoy peeking on their horoscopes each day wanting to know what the stars might possibly say about an engagement between some curled-horn goat and a side-walking crab. But, whether these predictions may be credible or not, this only proves how most of us wanted a glimpse of fortune telling or pre-destiny. This only proves how most of us wanted our lives to be already planned before we will be actually living it, because if the course of planning is during the execution, tendencies are rather often times impulsive and regretful.

I had always relied on advance studying; a few weeks before the actual exam you can find me already scribbling notes on the sides of my books and starting to memorize the gazillion of terms and formulas. With this routine, I retain that feeling of assurance and concreteness. But these had to come, unexpected pressures of schoolwork piling in mountain-high stacks that one could simply be grateful for a simple grasp of air or some two hours of sleep. I once denounced second thoughts and insecurity, but I then realized that alongside these two stomach-churning feelings, comes a long forgotten state of joy in confusion, cheer in perplexity and that is hope. Hope for me is a paradox, the irony of being lost inside a department store but at the same time hopeful that your parents would come looking for you some time soon, is a mystery worth experiencing. The taste of bitter-sweet is much better than simply just bitter or just sweet.

School, work, and life may at times be very generous with stressors that it would be almost impossible to prioritize and rank them. But then, if we are totally in control of everything, we could miss a lot from life; the adrenaline rush of anxiety and the sweat proliferating state of cramming. If we know every incident that may happen, if we have the perfect and comprehensive map of our lives, then life will just remain to be a travel but never an adventure. Yes, the sea farers of today may have enjoyed the bounties of radar technologies and navigational instruments. But if you would ask me, Ferdinand Magellan in 1521 when the mariner's compass was the latest gadget, enjoyed more his voyage than the modern navigators did, for he had hope amidst uncertainties of uncharted waters and uncertain routes. Who would have thought that in the end he had discovered a strait, named an ocean and Christianized our Philippines?

Certainty and Direction gives us assurance.

Loss and Doubt teaches us hope.

I hope my midterms went well.